How to fail with Kimberley Martin

I was inspired to write this piece as a fan of the 'How to Fail' podcast series and book by Elizabeth Day. Within her book and podcast she and her guests explore the 'failures' in their lives and how it brought them to where they are now and who they are today. I have for the most part of my life - been scared of failure. That was until my twenties, when failure slapped me stone cold across the face on numerous occasions.

On the podcast Elizabeth Day asks her guests to give three examples of their supposed 'failures'. I'm aware that I'm only in my mid to late twenties and have a lot of living yet to do but reflecting on failure and accepting it is the only way we grow. So, here we go.... 

University                                      

People often look back to university as the best time of their lives, newly independent, having that first taste of freedom. It is a time to have fun, experiment and become really passionate about your chosen field. But what if you leave for university when you're not in the right headspace to know who you are, what you want, or what you're truly passion about? Then throw booze into the mix. 

I was thrown into university drinking culture when my head really wasn't in a good place. I made some incredible friends and memories there, I'll never forget mattress surfing down the stairs or diving over a wall to avoid kissing a guy and then telling him it was because I thought I saw Voldemort (I was trying to be nice). However, I can't help but think if I could go back - I definitely would have dropped out in that first year. I'd have taken some time to get my head right, learned how to take care of myself properly and started again. 

Perspective is a funny thing. I didn't drop out and thankfully I came out with a good degree and lots of life experience. Looking back I am also a lot more sympathetic to that person and understand that I needed to get a little lost for a while. It was also during this time that I found a friend, who would later become my partner and is now my incredibly supportive fiancé. It was during this time that I discovered a love for old movies, Audrey Hepburn and in many other ways started to understand a little more of who I was exactly.
  

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." - Winston Churchill

First Job

As a result of feeling so lost in university, I threw myself into extracurricular activities and in my third year completed a commercial internship. This felt incredibly prestigious and rewarding and although it didn't line up with my degree, I finally felt like maybe this was my path. I had always seen myself doing something 'interesting' and 'important', although I didn't really know what that looked like exactly, but this path seemed to fit the bill. So, I entered that world full-time, and for the most part survived as I was determined to prove myself. 

I worked hard and my confidence and resilience grew, despite the fact I was battling crippling anxiety. It was only a matter of time however, given the kind of person I am, that it was going to come crashing down. 

A year or two ago I did the Myers Briggs personality test and the results predicted exactly what had already happened to me. As an Advocate (INFJ) personality type, I'm the kind of person that needs to find a deeper sense of meaning in their work, to know they are helping and connecting people. It is also said that advocates struggle in commercial roles and due to our sensitive nature, we struggle with the criticism and pressure that comes with these corporate jobs. Getting the results of this test made so much sense to me and I understood why I was so exhausted and stifled. 

When I look back now I am actually quite proud that I was able to step up and hold my own in that world for a long time. I was able to sit in meeting rooms full of men as a young woman and make my voice heard. This shouldn't be a big deal but unfortunately due to the way the world is, it very much was. Looking back, I also remember the feeling when I finally got to say I didn't think I was right for the job and that I was trying to be someone I wasn't. To the outside world, this seemed like failing, but honestly to me - it felt like winning. I had realised the power in knowing who you are and what you're about, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and taking a leap to start again.  

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default." - J. K. Rowling

Drinking 

For someone who suffers with social anxiety, alchohol is both a gift and an absolute curse. It can provide immediate relief, stopping your mind questioning every thought and conversation. On the other hand, as we all know, this is a temporary fix and what ultimately follows is a whole new level of self-questioning and anxiety.

I'm also the kind of person that blacks out when they've had too much to drink and I absolutely I hate it. I can be absolutely fine one minute, not even drunk and then it just happens. What is worse however, is that during uni and my early twenties because of this I put myself into dangerous situations and upset others in the process. An agonising torment follows when you've lost control - when the person your friends describe doesn't feel like you at all. It's as if a stranger has completely taken over for a few hours and after they've gone you're left to pick up the pieces. 

I've got better at drinking (or at least stopping after a few), but I'm definitely not some teetotal angel now... Christmas 2019 for example. For a long time I debated stopping entirely to punish myself for past behaviour, but my fiancé told me that this was both a little extreme and unnecessary. I realised that I could still enjoy a drink, as with all healthy approaches, in moderation. I could still have a glass of chianti whilst on holiday in Tuscany and I could still go out for cocktails with the girls. It was important however to be aware of when I was feeling anxious and keep moderation in mind. It was also vital to forgive myself for those times because you have to make mistakes to learn. I definitely learned from those times. I learnt the kind of person I wanted to be and the people who really mattered to me. 

I can honestly tell you from experience that when you feel like everything is falling apart, your heart tells you exactly what you want and who you want to rescue you. 

"You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space." - Johnny Cash


Failure is such a backhanded gift, in the sense that it is equal parts painful and needed in order to learn and understand who we are and what we want. Like so many others I've made mistakes and felt lost but I can't help but feel this was necessary to find out who I am. Someone who is unbelievably passionate, painfully sensitive and just wants to make her mark on the world. I'm sure I have many more mistakes to make in this crazy wonderful life but at least now I no longer feel suffocated by the concept of failing. It might feel a bit crap when it happens and maybe a bit overwhelming but I know I'll learn from it. It might also take me somewhere new, somewhere I never could have imagined. Failure make this nuanced little life what it is, imperfect. The most important thing is you keep moving and learning. Because it's worth it. 

"You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done." - Rocky Balboa