What does social anxiety feel like?

This is something I've wanted to write about for a long time but ironically wasn't sure how to put it into words. My social anxiety fluctuates and completely depends on the situation but for years it was always there. I'm also a lot better at dealing with it now but that doesn't mean it is gone from my life completely.

I know just how absolutely debilitating and suffocating social anxiety can be. I also know a blog like this on the internet would have helped me massively when I was in the height of my anxiety in my teens and early twenties. There's also a lot of information out there on the internet that all seems very medical and from psychologists perspectives but less that discusses what it actually feels like to live with social anxiety. During the current COVID-19 pandemic I've also had a lot of time to think (as have we all!) and I think it's time for me to tackle this beast in words.

Social anxiety can manifest itself in so many different ways and will probably be different for everyone but I've tried to put into words what it feels like for me......

It's like being in an continuous interview that never ends.

Have you ever left an interview feeling utterly exhausted? This is probably because during the interview process you are very aware of every word you've said and are overanalysing everything in order to be the perfect candidate. That can take a lot of energy. Then there is the overthinking afterwards of whether you said the right thing, what you have done better.

Now imagine that is how you feel and think all the time, in almost every conversation you have, with friends, family, colleagues. Even the most simple conversation can seem utterly daunting and every thing you say is accompanied with the thought "But what if they think I'm stupid?".


It feels paralysing 

I don't use this word lightly but that is exactly how it feels, when you feel you can't speak or what you have to say isn't good enough, it feels completely paralysing. You feel stagnated, like the world is moving around you and everyone else is fine and you're broken. Conversation seems to last a lifetime and the longer you don't speak, the more convinced you become that everyone dislikes you and thinks you're an idiot.


It's not just being "shy"

Growing up I was always seen as a 'shy' kid but this didn't make sense to me, I felt out-going and I wanted to be in the limelight whether that was in school productions or making speeches. Even now I really don't mind performing, giving presentations or being the centre of attention. You might think this doesn't make any sense for someone with social anxiety but the thing is being socially anxious doesn't always mean you are shy or want to hide away from things. It was the worry that others wouldn't accept me or my words in normal conversation that held me back. Still to this day I much prefer delivering a presentation to a room full of people than a one to one conversation, if my anxiety is flaring up. My social anxiety manifests itself in these settings with smaller groups because I care and think about what others around me are thinking and find it terrifying.

People assume you are rude

One of the most difficult things with social anxiety like mine, is that people assume you are rude and a bit up yourself because you don't speak or engage in conversation. You come across as if you don't care and want to engage and that is far from the truth, you do, your brain just doesn't let you through fear. When you speak you're so terrified about saying the right thing or saying something of worth that what actually comes out is some panic driven nonsense that doesn't reflect who you are at all.

Not caring what other people think feels impossible

You might be reading this and think "Well just don't care what other people think - easy". You don't know how many times over the years I have said that to myself and wanted so badly to believe it - but it's just not that easy. It's a cognitive pattern that I have developed from an early age and yes there are things you can do to tackle it, e.g CBT, medication etc. but that's not available to everyone and secondly I only realised what my anxiety was by the time I was 24. It took me years and years of overanalysing conversations and being continuously exhausted by panic before I knew what I was dealing with and by that point it is very difficult to change habits and thought patterns.


Moving Forward.....

With this blog I do try to keep things positive and uplifting with whatever I do and now I've hopefully shared some insight on how it feels to live with social anxiety - I want to reiterate the message that   you can live with it. Even if for a long time I felt like I couldn't. During university and for a few years after I used alchohol in social situations to avoid it, this is not the answer - even if it feels good as a temporary solution.

As mentioned there are ways to tackle these negative thought patterns and there is professional help out there. I've yet to try CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) but am not opposed to it should my anxiety flare up really badly again. Thankfully in the last two years I have become a little better at coping with these thoughts. Now I know what I'm dealing with. When I do start to notice these thoughts or panic because I think I've said something wrong in conversation I simply ask myself

"Did you have good intentions?"
"Are you a good person?"

Sometimes I struggle with the last one but most of the time it does work and puts things into perspective.

As overwhelming as these thoughts can feel, they are just thoughts and they don't define you as a person. You can have social anxiety and have happy times, you can be out-going and the centre of attention and be terrified of conversation at the same time. There isn't one set of rules for how this works. I wanted to share my experiences with it because I know I would have found it useful when I was in the height of my struggles and knowing what I was dealing with was most definitely my breakthrough.

I hope anyone who finds this blog and has experienced similar thoughts is aware there are ways to tackle this and it doesn't have to define your life, you can be happy, have good relationships and enjoy living, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.