I just kept running...

Thinking back to this time a week ago being an emotional wreck, I was physically exhausted and overwhelmed by the fact I had finished the Cardiff Half Marathon despite having a complete and utter breakdown halfway through. After months of training this was not what I expected but with the week I had leading up to the run it is not really all that surprising.....

When I signed up to run the half second time round I was adamant that I would do far more training in preparation for the run, not so I could achieve a new PB or some record time but purely so I could enjoy it. I remembered the pain of just trying to finish and not being able to enjoy and really soak up the atmosphere however as I did more training runs I found myself enjoying running and getting further and further each time. As I did I felt more confident that I could do it this year with a really good time and it was the time that would make me happy. So as a result I started to put pressure on myself as the weeks went on that I would absolutely smash last years time. What I didn't realise while doing this was that in line with a load of other stresses I have right now it was this pressure of a "time" that started to choke me. It was on the day that this idea of time really got to me and I had done the exact opposite of what I had originally intended to do, which was relax and enjoy!

It was also the week I had leading up to the half marathon that didn't help, being off work with stress and feeling a bit overwhelmed by life. This can happen to anyone but admitting it made me feel so weak, however the reaction of both doctors, my friends and even those at work made me feel like this was so normal and anyone can reach breaking point. Yet despite the week I had in my head I was still looking forward to the Sunday half and believed this is what was going to help get me over this 'funk' I had been in.

I couldn't have been more wrong.... in fact I never felt more exposed to how down I was feeling and overwhelmed by both life and the occasion. As I ran the prospect of failure loomed in my head the entire way. Even at five kilometres, a distance that I usually wouldn't have batted an eyelid to, I was really struggling. With the way I was feeling when I had reached the bay and the ten kilometre mark I have never wanted to give up so much in my life. Thank goodness that along the never ending stretch that is Lloyd George Avenue  I saw the beaming smile of my kooky best friend and the pride and delight on her face seeing me run spurred me on and gave me the strength for at least another mile. However, it was after that that the panic attack started to set in...

I could feel my breathing getting faster and the tears started to roll, I felt like my head would never let me get over that line or even complete the next mile. I was desperate for some sort of sign like the Rocky music to start playing on my iPod or some sort of moment where I would feel suddenly better but it just did not come. For the next three miles I held back tears and then saw my boyfriend waiting for me on the course. He must have noticed how much a tough time I was having as he jumped up and down with such energy and shouted "you can do this" with such a worried expression, to which I responded "no I bloody cant!". It was from this point however that I started to think about not just what I was doing but how I had felt all week....how I had let silly stresses and the busy nature of modern life get to me and weigh me down rather than just taking a step back and realising that we all have a choice in how we look at things and how we decide to live these busy lifestyles. It is so easy to get caught up and not enjoy the moment which is precisely why I was starting to feel so depressed everyday, I felt like I was constantly worrying about what would happen next and what I had to complete rather than taking the time to enjoy that exact moment and recognising the feeling
of being alive.

It was with this level of mindfulness around mile ten that I started to think about my best friend who last year ran the half in memory of her mum. I thought about her strength but also her general attitude to life. This attitude can pretty much be summarised in the phrase 'the power of now' and being alive in the moment and it was only with this realisation of my own active choice that I started to enjoy the run. I started to slow down, looking at the crowds on the sides, family and friends cheering and there was just so much love. Suddenly it was no longer about a time, it was about enjoying the occasion and also realising that I could have quit four miles ago but I didn't and there I was at mile eleven still running. I will never forget that feeling in that moment because not only had I physically continued but I had beaten my own mind and my own doubts.

So I continued on, mentally and physically exhausted running around Roath Park lake. I was actually sightly delusional in fact as I started to see two lakes rather than one! But nevertheless I kept putting one foot in front of another and came across my boyfriend once more who had ran to the toughest part of the route to keep me going.

I was so grateful to him and all those cheering me, I realised it was so much more than just completing a distance in a time for me. It was defeating my own demons but also showing I had to will power to continue. I didn't get the time or the exhilaration I had trained for but I felt like I got much more when crossing that line as I felt such pride not just in the distance but the journey I had been on in my own mind.

When I had finished I was convinced I would never put myself through it again but the more time passes from last Sunday the more fondly I look back at that horrendous two hours and feel more pride than sadness. I also still believe that running as much as it can expose you to your own mind and feelings it is also a great way to heal it.